FACE IT — O’S IN TOO DEEP
A case of contagious insanity broke out amid the solemnity of Nelson Mandela’s funeral when world leaders and a world-class faker took center stage.
Among the bizarre events that went viral faster than a flu epidemic were those of the phony sign language interpreter/real life criminal Thamsanqa Jantjie, who stood on stage seeming to translate speeches, but in fact was just flapping his hands around like a crazed seal.
But even the signing imposter was a minor glitch compared to watching normally reserved President Obama and Brit PM David Cameron act like nerds around a pretty girl, as they yucked it up and posed for selfies with Danish dish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt.
Worse, even though everyone else in the world understood immediately that Michelle Obama was making “the face” at her hubby while he was making eyes at Helle, he cluelessly continued giggling with the Great Dane. Not good.
What’s “the face” you ask? Do you really have to ask?
“The face” is the universally understood look that every wife can shoot at every husband at any time. Even Tham the fake translator could interpret the First Lady’s body language. In sign language and every other language on earth “the face” always means: “If you don’t stop that right this second, your life will be hell for the foreseeable future.”
You can bet there wasn’t a man on any planet who would have traded places with the most powerful man on the planet that night, knowing that he had to go home to face “the face” alone.
So who exactly is that Dane with the mane who can make powerful men forget where they are, what they’re doing and even go so far as to ignore “the face”?
The prime minister of Denmark, known as “Gucci Helle” for her extravagance, is a married woman. Sort of. Her husband, Stephen Kinnock, conveniently lives in a different country, which leaves her plenty of time to take selfies with other men.
Although Kinnock’s wife is the leader of Denmark, in order to avoid paying Danish taxes, Mail Online reports the couple’s accountant announced that Kinnock was gay or maybe bisexual and therefore didn’t spend enough time in Denmark to qualify as a taxpayer. Right. No wonder she flirts with other women’s husbands.
Helle refuted that claim and instead insisted that the accountant was a few numbers short of a full column, and that her husband is very straight. Gucci Helle herself however, is such a dainty Dane that she insisted on wearing stilettos — with fatigues, yet — when she traveled to war-torn Libya. When asked about her wardrobe choices, she snarled, “We can’t all look like s–t.”
Oh s–t, now I feel “the face” coming on.
How is it possible that people capture every little thing with their cellphones and yet nobody ever manages to have a cellphone handy when an alien craft from outer space or a flaming 100-pound meteor flies over?
On Tuesday night, a meteor blazed across Tucson before it exploded. And yet, it seems only one guy shot it. NASA took video but the TV stations kept showing just the same grainy one taken from a dash-mounted video cam. Why someone has a dash-mounted video cam is another question altogether, but still.
Sure, Arizona is laid back, but even top Arizona astronomer Tod Lauer didn’t bother to go outside to see what was exploding over his house. Instead, he posted on Facebook, “We were eating dinner and heard a good bang that rattled the roof of our house. I dismissed it as a sonic boom.”
What planet is that astronomer on?
How about we all get our noses out of Facebook long enough to look up once in a while?
Miley Cyrus performs at Z100’s Jingle Ball 2013 at Madison Square Garden. The ‘Wrecking Ball’ singer will swing back to NYC to ring in the New Year in Times Square.
BALL & PAIN
Mr. New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, the late Dick Clark, must be twisting in his grave, and the even later plain ole Mr. New Year’s Eve, Guy Lombardo, must be thanking the heavens that his auld acquaintances have been very forgot now that Miley Cyrus will be wrecking the ball in Times Square on Dec. 31st. What schlock will she use to shock this time? Hopefully it won’t involve hot lights, high voltage and her naked butt.
Bryan Smith for New York Daily News
Department of Transport Commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan says NYC Bike Share will continue to operate during blizzards.
ANOTHER SNOW JOB
It’s not bad enough that we’ve turned into Colorado with everyone riding bikes (without helmets), weaving dangerously in and out of our streets that have turned into video games under the nutty transportation commish Janette Sadik-Khan, but now her department has announced that during blizzards, NYC Bike Share, “will relocate bikes from major streets to sidewalk and plaza stations and workers will shovel out stations promptly.” Great. Your street might not get plowed because of the bike racks, and you might not be able to walk because of all the bikes on the sidewalk, but you will be able to rent a bike and ride in the subzero temperatures.
TALK ABOUT BAD KARMA
Thieves on Tuesday stole an urn containing what is believed to be the ashes of the Buddha from a shrine near Phnom Penh, Cambodia.
Now, you don’t have to be a Buddhist or Hindu to know that karma basically teaches that what goes around comes around. Good actions bring good actions into your life, and bad actions bring the same.
So wouldn’t stealing the ashes of the Buddha definitely guarantee that your after-life, not to mention your current and even your next life, will assuredly involve hot, painful, burning ashes?
Karma aside, what’s the thief going to do with the stolen ashes of the revered spiritual leader? He can’t put them in his living room for all to admire. Maybe — maybe — the ash-filled urn could fetch big dollars on the black market, but what practicing Buddhist would buy it and what non-practicing Buddhist would want it?
Not to worry. The Cambodian Ministry of Cults and Religion, among other agencies, is investigating. The Ministry of Cults? We could use one of those.
HORROR OF HAZING
The torture and death of Baruch College freshman Chun (Michael) Deng during a hazing, is not just tragic, unacceptable, barbaric and primitive, it’s murder. Every one of those young men involved should be sent to prison for life. And why did Michael endure it and why was it done to him? So he could become their brother, that’s why.
Kanye West says playing gigs puts his life at risk, like the work of a cop or a soldier.
WEST NEEDS A VEST — AND A BRAIN
Never one to be outdone by say, Tom Cruise, who compared being on a movie set away from his daughter to fighting in Afghanistan, Kim Kardashian’s boyfriend Kanye said that doing concerts was “putting my life at risk, literally … like being a police officer or something, in war or something.” Yeezus man, get a grip! Cops and soldiers don’t marry useless celebrities at Versailles — they really do get killed in the line of fire. Isn’t it time we boycotted the whole krummy klan?